"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others" (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV).
How do you do this when you're pursuing acting? Obviously if you're at an audition, you're going to try your best, but what if you're actually in the audition room with the people that are auditioning for the same part as you, and you get to watch them?
What are you thinking that whole time? "Lord, please help them to do their best so they might get this job if it be your will."
That's what I wish I was thinking, but it was more like, "Okay, what are they doing up there and what can I do to be better than them?"
Why do I want to be better than them? Well.. I want the part.
Why do I want the part? Well.. I need the money. I could use the acting practice. The experience could help me meet more people, put my talent in front of more people, help my acting career move forward a little so I can eventually make a living off this thing I supposedly do.
Me, me, me, me, me.
Selfish ambition, anyone? It's funny because being "ambitious" is seen as a pretty good thing in our world, even in the Christian world, working hard to get better and move forward, what's wrong with that? But put the word "selfish" in front of "ambition," and people are like, "Oh yeah, that's wrong."
But what ambition isn't selfish? What does ambition even mean?
ambition. "a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work" (source: Google).
Okay so I guess ambition in itself isn't a bad thing. It's more about your heart behind it. Is it selfish, or is there a greater reason you're wanting to work hard and achieve something?
My deep, spiritual reason for why I want to get better at acting is because I want to be a light in Hollywood and bring Jesus to actors and film people, and also I want to learn from good writers and directors so I can eventually produce my own stuff that is a light and brings Jesus to actors and film people (and regular people).
But what if God wants me to be a light and bring Jesus to people that aren't making it right now? What if that's the season I'm in, with all the other people waiting and trying and failing, and I need to be patient and wait on God's timing for everything and be happy for people whose "timing" happens to be before mine?
I don't think God wants me to fail at anything. But I think if I'm doing my best and honoring Him in what I do, that is a success.
I don't think I succeeded today, but it's not because I didn't get the part. It's because I wanted other people to not be good. I was happy when the one guy didn't have much expression, and I was looking for ways to particularly be better than the girls I was up against, instead of just hoping the director would get the people he was looking for to fulfill his vision.
This morning before my audition ironically, after I did my Bible reading for the day, I prayed for God to teach me about purity and repentance. Well, I am now more aware of my impure heart and am repenting of my selfish ambition. I pray that God would teach me how to navigate this crazy acting world while first being a servant of Him.
