Sabbath Audition

I had a great audition today, but first let me give you the back story:

I've been trying to start taking a Sabbath during the week. (Sabbath = day of rest where you don't do any work. See Exodus 20:10.)

It doesn't necessarily have to be my "day of church" (i.e. Sunday), but every week when I plan out my schedule, it usually just so happens I already don't have paid work on Sunday, so it seems fitting to make that my day of no work.

It's confusing though as to what is and isn't work in my life. I talked with my friend Katie about this, and we seem to think anything to do with acting should be considered work for me. I think this is probably right.

However, I got an audition today, Sunday. I got it a couple days ago, after I had already planned for Sunday to be my Sabbath, so every other day was full of paid work and unpaid work, and this day was really my only available day to take a full day of rest.

I took the audition anyway though because I was like, Well, I'm trying to do student films, and student films mostly shoot on the weekend, so I really can't make Sunday my day of rest anyway because it's never going to work so I might as well take this audition. (This was not a good argument because I never said my Sabbath always had to be Sunday. It just so happened that this week it was.)

But anyways, so I took the audition, and then yesterday I felt pretty terrible about it, not just because I was disobeying God according to the conviction he gave me, but also because I worked really hard this week all week and was really tired and could really have used a day of rest. And now I had to work on these sides and plan my outfit (which included fixing / sewing a skirt) and figure out directions and food to fit the audition in around church, and it was a lot to do for my supposed day of rest.

So I almost emailed the director to tell her I couldn't do it anymore. BUT.. I remembered what I read in the Bible yesterday in Joshua, Joshua 9 specifically. Okay so the Gibeonites were people the Israelites should have defeated in order to continue their conquest of Canaan (the promised land). But the enemy disguised themselves and came to Joshua pretending to be people traveling from far away and asked him to make peace with them and let them be their servants. Joshua wasn't sure at first but then agreed. Without asking God!

(This is the part that parallels to me deciding to take the audition without asking God first.)

Joshua 9:14-15 says, "So the men took some of their provisions, but did not ask counsel from the Lord. And Joshua made peace with them and made a covenant with them, to let them live, and the leaders of the congregation swore to them."

But then Israel found out that they were their neighbors and should have been destroyed, but they didn't destroy them because they had already given them their word that they wouldn't.

Joshua 9:18-19 - "But the people of Israel did not attack them, because the leaders of the congregation had sworn to them by the Lord, the God of Israel. Then all the congregation murmured against the leaders. But all the leaders said to all the congregation, 'We have sworn to them by the Lord, the God of Israel, and now we may not touch them.'"

So maybe I shouldn't have taken an audition on the Sabbath, but because I gave this girl my word, I decided to follow through with it and just learn for next time. (I prayed about this before I decided, and that was when God reminded me of the Joshua story, so I very much felt God's blessing on this after I decided to go through with it.)

And the audition went so well! It was only three lines so I decided to memorize them (something I really need to start doing for all future auditions).

And I took my time at the beginning (something we've been learning in acting class). In the scene, my character was supposed to start out waiting at this guy's door, and then this woman, his wife, opens the door and that's when I have my first line. But at the audition I'm just saying my lines to a reader, so instead of saying my first line right away, I decided to act out just "standing at the door" for a bit, thinking about how excited I am to see this guy I'm in love with and I hope he likes my skirt, and I really need to tell him how much I love him so he can finally choose me over his wife blah blah blah, and that's when I decided she would "open the door" and I would say my line, "Oh, I didn't expect you to--"

So I do the whole scene, and at the end after the wife asks me to come in, the door is supposed to creepily close behind me, so I do this quick, scared, look-back thing and then walk a few steps forward in uncertainty.

After I did it, the director was like, "Wow. That was excellent, that was really good. I don't have any notes. Um.. I'd like to see it again, just for the sake of watching you do it again."

What a cool thing to hear!

So I did it again, pretty much the same way, and she goes, "That was great. That's exactly the way I pictured the character to be." She seemed surprised and happy and satisfied, it was really cool.

So anyways, I left the audition pretty excited. I'm glad I decided to ask God about it (the second time around). And hopefully next time I will ask Him the first time around and there will be even more blessings for doing it that way!

I am the most beautiful.

So at acting class last week, this guy had to do a monologue, and Cress (the teacher) asked him if he wanted anyone to be the person he was talking to, like for a focal point or whatever. He needed a girl, and there were a few of us, and I sort of gestured with my head that I could do it, so the guy was like, "You want to do it?" And I'm like, "Yeah, sure."

So I moved to a seat more in the center-front, and I said, "Do you need me to be any certain way?"

Cress interrupted the guy's potential answer with, "Just receive. Just receive it."

That was my first God-moment because I feel like that's something God's been telling me in my life lately, to stop trying so hard to be a certain way and "just receive," just receive his blessings and embrace this life he's given me, you know?

Then after the guy did his monologue, Cress reminded him that even though he's not saying it in the monologue, the whole time he's talking to me, what he really wants to be doing is telling me he loves me, but he keeps not saying it.

And there's this part in the monologue where he's talking about how he wants to experience the extremes in life, the things that are the most beautiful and the most ugly, and he's going off on those ideas but Cress is like, "When you're talking about things that are 'the most beautiful,' it's her," and he points to me, "she is the most beautiful." And he kept saying it, "She is the most beautiful."

It was really cool because even though it's just acting, and I wasn't even really acting, I was just being the "receiver," I had not too long before that been called in to audition for a role that was supposed to be an "ugly" girl. And even though they assured me at the audition that they didn't actually think I was ugly and that they would be using make up to "accentuate my homeliness," I did start to get a little depressed because it was the only audition I'd gotten in a while, and it was for an ugly part.

I started to think I was ugly, and also I haven't had a guy like me in a long time. I haven't had a boyfriend in forever, and it's been a while since I've been on a date. And yeah it's true I haven't been pursuing or really wanting those things in a while either, but still, you can get sort of caught up in the world's expectations and how you're not meeting them, and it can start to affect you.

So that day last week in the monologue scene, even though it wasn't real, I felt pretty encouraged. I felt like God was saying to me, "This is the truth, Tracy. This is how I feel about you. You are the most beautiful. Just receive it."

Deep Thoughts from the Hot Tub Guy

I was folding laundry at the house I babysit / organize at, when the hot tub guy motioned for me to come out, so I did.

"Do you know what happened to the hose?" he said. I didn't, but this moment led to us talking for a while, which led to him encouraging me to keep going with my acting pursuit.

He said, "I know people that started out just like you, and now I'm cleaning their hot tubs." (How a guy who cleans hot tubs for a living has the ability to encourage aspiring actresses I don't know, but he does seem to like movies a lot, especially Marvel ones and anything with Adam Sandler.) "You just have to be weird," he said, "Be yourself, and be weird."

His example story was that Adam Sandler's dad used to call him a moron when he was younger, "but look where he is today." (Being a moron.. in movies? I'm just kidding. I appreciate Adam Sandler, but I just thought the hot tub guy was funny.)

Co-star Dreams

So my friend Kerry just got cast in this new Fox show Enlisted as a co-star on an episode. She has three lines, and in case you're not an actor and so you don't know how big of a deal that is, that is a big deal.

I have never had a line on a TV show ever. Now that I'm in SAG, I have the opportunity more available to me. However, I need to get an agent so I can actually get TV show auditions, and at this point, I am still looking for one of those.

But anyways the part is perfect for her. Basically one of the main guys comes up to her in a bar and is being sort of skeezy, and she sort of blows him off. She had to do a video audition for it because she's been living in New York, but she has some connections in LA still, so she was able to find out about it, and then she sent the video in and she booked it.

So easy right? Who couldn't make it in LA, really. Um.. let me answer that for you: most of us.

Most of us aspiring actors are having a hard time making it, including my friend Kerry for the past few years, but lately she's been getting more auditions and actually booking some things, which has been really encouraging to me.

I had lunch with her the day before the shoot, and she showed me the video audition she had made. It was good, but I was like, Dude, I can make video auditions like this. I have made video auditions like this. I could be booking stuff just like Kerry booked this, you know?

It sort of made me feel the realness of the possibility. And then I read lines with her so she could show me how she was going to do it, and it was so fun! I'm like, I love this, and I could totally be on a TV show. This is not super hard.

Like, yeah, if you're the lead role in some intense, indie drama (see: Short Term 12), it might take some preparation and hard work. But to do a few lines on a TV show? The main thing that makes that job hard is that you get so caught up in your head because you've been waiting sooooooo long for this chance, and it pays a decent amount of money, and you're going to be around people that make their livings off acting (real actors!), and this could be the role that catapults you into other roles, and omigosh you're so excited blah blah blah. But then what happens? You get so nervous you don't sleep at all the night before and then you flub all your lines and that is that. Your career is over.

Well, thankfully, that did not happen to my friend Kerry. She said it went really well, and it sounded like she had fun, (except for the long hours of waiting in the trailer beforehand, which she said was kind of lonely). The trailer! She got to wait in a trailer pretty much by herself. That is so cool.

I mean, when you do extras work (which is what I'm most familiar with in the professional TV world), you have to wait in a big, boring room with a bajillion other extras, so it's not lonely, but it can be aspiring-actor-overload, and it is still boring.

Okay well just wanted to say "YAY" to my friend Kerry, and "YAY" that it's true that people can get lines on TV shows, and "YAY" to hopefully that one day being me.

How do we compete Biblically?

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others" (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV).

How do you do this when you're pursuing acting? Obviously if you're at an audition, you're going to try your best, but what if you're actually in the audition room with the people that are auditioning for the same part as you, and you get to watch them?

What are you thinking that whole time? "Lord, please help them to do their best so they might get this job if it be your will."

That's what I wish I was thinking, but it was more like, "Okay, what are they doing up there and what can I do to be better than them?"

Why do I want to be better than them? Well.. I want the part.

Why do I want the part? Well.. I need the money. I could use the acting practice. The experience could help me meet more people, put my talent in front of more people, help my acting career move forward a little so I can eventually make a living off this thing I supposedly do.

Me, me, me, me, me.

Selfish ambition, anyone? It's funny because being "ambitious" is seen as a pretty good thing in our world, even in the Christian world, working hard to get better and move forward, what's wrong with that? But put the word "selfish" in front of "ambition," and people are like, "Oh yeah, that's wrong."

But what ambition isn't selfish? What does ambition even mean?

ambition. "a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work" (source: Google).

Okay so I guess ambition in itself isn't a bad thing. It's more about your heart behind it. Is it selfish, or is there a greater reason you're wanting to work hard and achieve something?

My deep, spiritual reason for why I want to get better at acting is because I want to be a light in Hollywood and bring Jesus to actors and film people, and also I want to learn from good writers and directors so I can eventually produce my own stuff that is a light and brings Jesus to actors and film people (and regular people).

But what if God wants me to be a light and bring Jesus to people that aren't making it right now? What if that's the season I'm in, with all the other people waiting and trying and failing, and I need to be patient and wait on God's timing for everything and be happy for people whose "timing" happens to be before mine?

I don't think God wants me to fail at anything. But I think if I'm doing my best and honoring Him in what I do, that is a success.

I don't think I succeeded today, but it's not because I didn't get the part. It's because I wanted other people to not be good. I was happy when the one guy didn't have much expression, and I was looking for ways to particularly be better than the girls I was up against, instead of just hoping the director would get the people he was looking for to fulfill his vision.

This morning before my audition ironically, after I did my Bible reading for the day, I prayed for God to teach me about purity and repentance. Well, I am now more aware of my impure heart and am repenting of my selfish ambition. I pray that God would teach me how to navigate this crazy acting world while first being a servant of Him.

Sort of an audition?

I have an "interview" tomorrow to be a featured extra on Dog with a Blog.

(Just thought you'd like to know how exciting my life is right now.)

(I am actually really excited about this.)

(Just shows how not-exciting my life normally is.)

Bah! Now I'm going to go watch an episode. I actually think this show is sort of funny.

Acting versus People, Go.

I'm only at camp a couple more weeks, and tonight my roommates had a couple people over to our treehouse (cabin) to play games; but instead of joining them when I got home, I rushed up the stairs to watch a live stream event of casting directors talking about casting.

It was pretty boring. They talked about what it's like to be women in the casting industry and how technology (skype and video auditioning) is becoming more prevalent and how people are starting to care more about actors' presences on Twitter and YouTube. It was going on and on and on and on, and I was doing more and more things online at the same time as listening to it until finally I was like, What am I doing, and I stopped to talk to my roommate Jess about her birthday day that she spent with her fiance.

***

One of the main reasons I want to do acting is because I want to have time to be with people.

I like to be alone a lot of the time, writing and working on my own projects, but once I'm done with that each day, I love to be around people.

This is why I want to do acting for my main job -->so that I can focus on making one movie with a bunch of people for a few months, and then I can have down time for a while to just focus on writing and my own projects and spending time with people.

That is the bigger vision for why I want to do acting, which is why I don't want to just spend every minute possible doing everything I absolutely can so I can give myself the widest opportunity absolutely possible to make it in the dream industry doing my dream job.

I would like to work in the dream industry doing my dream job, but not at the expense of the bigger vision which is to work on my own projects and spend time with people.

So yeah. I just wanted to take a minute to reiterate this to myself as well as to anyone else who cares because for real, even though I am going back to LA ready to be focused on auditioning and doing my best to finally book some things, I also am super excited to meet new people and spend time with old people and really get involved with others in whatever way opportunity presents.

Worthless Pursuits

Proverbs 12:11 says, "Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense."

Is acting a worthless pursuit? Sometimes it seems like it because there's not a direct and guaranteed way to do it and make money from doing it.

I do believe I am called to make money, not only to sustain myself, but to give to and bless others. I am currently working at a summer camp, which is not my favorite job in the world, but it gives me consistent money, and I do have "plenty of bread." (Like literally, I bought these really good rolls from Jay-C the other day, "snowflake rolls," and I eat about three a day.)

When I first moved to LA when I was 25, I was pretty poor, and I mostly ate potatoes. I was able to buy bread as well, so I did have bread, and compared to the parts of the world that are literally starving, I suppose I did have "plenty of bread." But I wasn't able to buy it because of acting, I was able to buy it because of a house cleaning job God gave me out of the blue because I wasn't making enough money from acting.

At least I had the good sense to take the basic, unglamorous job so I could eat, but what about what's in my heart in the field of acting and writing, the pursuits that people so often look at as a fantasy, i.e. "worthless?"

I know I'm supposed to work hard. (Proverbs 10:4 says, "Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.") There was a year in LA when I had a lot of extra money because my grandpa died and he willed it to me, so I stopped working in the cleaning / babysitting fields and used most my time to write and act and dance and take class. I truly believed I worked harder that year than any other year when I had a practical job; and as God continues to show me, his laws and commands in the Bible are even greater than our outward actions or what it seems like to others, they start in the heart.

I do not want to follow anything that's worthless, so as I go back to LA in August, I want to continue to work hard at writing and acting and dancing, probably while doing practical jobs part-time, but I don't want to lose the vision God has given me for the industry because while it may seem like a fantasy to some, there are actually hundreds of thousands of people doing it and making money from it. Many are probably compromising their values or perhaps don't have many values to begin with, but it's like that in any field, even Christian ministry sometimes.

So I pray God gives me strength and boldness to live out his Word daily as I pursue this field, and I pray that during the waiting periods and learning periods where I'm not making money from it yet, that He would give me practical ideas for how to use my time and talents wisely to make a profit.